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sssThe Shitposter & The Wandering Jew
"the oldest story on the internet is also the story of the internet" -- Max Read, New York Magazine 
ddddThe View From The Floor
By A. White
a modest proposal for america's crisis in higher education 
ssssssBlood of the Honorable Outside Person
 
By Cutter the sky was the color of a television set tuned to NBC primtime 
dddPokemon Go: The Dagger Review
 
By Max Roderick look, 'art' is basically about prostituting yourself to stupid people with money. this is something else
ssssLong Term Effects of A Daily Dose of Green Pills
By Jared Grafton Long
 enter a new world of high technology,  bored ambition and deadly danger
ssssHow My Father Stole Christmas
By Michael Kofron "if i get an idea i usually type a story into my phone very late at night..."
ssssThe Forest of Cuties & Sweetie Pies
what's the difference between a cutie and sweetie-pie? well, cuties get you from A to B. but a sweetie brings a lil sumtin' extra...
ssssTrump Goes to Whole Foods
By Coral Howe | Art by Don Jolly
Whole Foods is proud to present this 100% authorized short story brought to you with limited ads by the society for truth in journalism
ssssX-Men #200: No Subtitle
by Joe Bernstein Marvel collaborates with Columbia trained journalist Joseph Bernstein to bring you this exclusive advertorial content 
ssssIt's Fucking Retarded
By Max Roderick  | Art by irmalucifer a new realm appears before you... do you  advance, or die like a snake in a drain??
aaaaMax Landis Writes: Columbine 2
"I love Max Landis. He's my favorite filmmaker, much moreso than his shitty father, John. I love his all-quadrant social media presence and the fact that his bleached asshole has been posted on my fav filesharing network, which is still kazaa" -- Matt James, Dagger Publisher 
sssssBlu Dork Crimes
if only there was a newspaper that offered the hottest CIA press releases, the most bogus warmongering and the most insulting, boneheaded book reviews -- all written in a house style that sounds like Data from Star Trek riding a sybinan
ssss Wakefield
By Nathaniel Hawthorne
a warrior desires a sword.... but a sword desires truth. This is a tale of swords and souls eternally retold

ddd
blown out ... left for dead ... in the ruins of the supreme asshole of the west, one magazine dares to fight back against the machines that rule the world... what does it take to be a true soul warrior? it takes

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This is a true story:

A good friend of mine, a frenchman on his government's payroll, stepped outside and looked at the solar eclipse that happened a few weeks back. In New York, where we live, you could only get about 70% of the effect -- so, apparently, it wasn't worth writing home about. But my buddy took it in all the same, shrugged when it ended and stepped back into his apartment. Then he started reading the news.

What happens if you look into the solar eclipse without glasses?” asked the Boston Globe. The Washington Post may believe that "Democracy Dies in Darkness," but they also want to remind you that staring into the eclipse produces "20 seconds of burning" followed by the eyes boiling in their sockets like soup. Of course, "Donald Trump really did look into the sky during the solar eclipse." Thanks CNN.

So my buddy sat in the dark and read this shit on his phone. Story after story, updating constantly throughout the day, an endless cavalcade of affliction and Trump and sizzling humor. Then he watched Game of Thrones and went to sleep. When he woke up the next day, he was blind.

Matt, our publisher here at Dagger, had to drive him to the optometrist. It was some bad trouble, apparently. The frenchman couldn't see a thing; his eyes were barbecued, and he couldn't handle bright light. He wore a towel over his head, a makeshift hood, and when Matt told him he looked pathetic my friend got indignant. "I hope you go blind," he said, to Matt. "I'll laugh when that happens." Once he got to the eye doctor Matt had to walk him to the front desk. He literally couldn't see it, even though it was fifteen feet away.

I saw him a few hours later. "So the doctor took a look at me," he drawled, through his accent, "and he said I was totally fine! Apparently it was psychosomatic." The eclipse hadn't done shit to him -- but a few hours with cable T.V. and the newspaper made him into a temporary cripple. 

We don't live in trustworthy times. The surviving media of the twentieth century -- from television to pathetically digitized "newspapers" and their scum-sucking successors like Buzzfeed and Huffington Post -- are flailing to prop themselves up, desperate for something, anything that can keep up their ad revenue. They're cutting costs wherever they can and, of course, that means cheap writing by cheap writers -- perfunctory, reactionary pieces turned out by liberal arts turds held hostage by crushing debt. 

You gotta feel for these people, man. They're just trying to pay rent and hold onto health insurance, and they're terrified. The system they were trained to serve is shrinking, and the second it figures out a way to farm their jobs out to semi-intelligent A.I. or cybernetically augmented chimpanzees, it will. "Writers" and "Journalists" in America today are neither writers nor journalists. They're human runoff; toxic sludge thrown out by a University system and a complex of industries which exist solely for the purpose of selling tacky crap to morons with non-existent make-work jobs and contracts of indentured servitude disguised as bachelor-of-arts degrees. These are scared, thoughtless people. They don't even trust themselves. The rest of us sure as shit can't depend on them to do anything but die as gracelessly as they have lived. 

Dagger Magazine doesn't serve advertisements. We're not trying to sell you a car or a bespoke suit or a monthly wine club. We want you laffin', man, and we want you thinkin. We want you disgusted. We want you enraged. We want you wet and ready, wild and stiff and micro if you're into it. We want you as you are, as you were, as you will be at the end of all things. We publish writing here, writing and art, and now we're proud to present our first print issue -- 112 pages of full-color brutality, complete with an interview with John Carpenter, artwork by William Burroughs and a 23 page comic I wrote about getting my dick rustled by my baby boomer mom when I was four years old, an experience I think most men of my generation can relate to. Weed broken up on an issue of Dagger will get you twice as high.

We've been getting a lot of great submissions over the last few months, more than I've had time to read, and here, in our third digital issue, we're premiering a bunch of new, non-bullshit writers and artists with some serious shit to say. Please welcome Michael Kofron, Jared Grafton Long, irmalucifer and Cutter, who is a genuine Chiba city punk, since apparently William Gibson's weirdest novels are due to be reshelved under reportage. 

Unlike every other magazine in our present, poisonous environment, Dagger doesn't hate your little pink guts or your winking butthole. We don't want you to buy a lamp shaped like R2-D2 or go blind or die because you're wearing the wrong brand of shirt and we don't give a shit who you voted for, or if you voted in the first place. We'd appreciate it if you buy a mag or maybe toss a few bucks towards our Patreon or, even better, send us a crypto donation so we can begin investing heavily in the world's first totally crowdfunded hydrogen bomb, but that's it 

We want to hear from you. Submissions of art or writing, personal problems, anime pornography where ice cream is clearly used as a semi-classy stand in for thick jizz -- whatever. You can reach me at editor@daggermag.com, 24/7. If you want to keep up with us, subscribe to our YouTube and Twitter, That's where new issues will be announced, shit will be talked and etc. The Twitter is being run by Jared Grafton Long, who's a hip young gunslinger and no mistake. 

If you're in New York or thereabouts we have a studio we open to the public pretty regularly. Send a message to editor@daggermag.com and let me know you're interested and I'll tell you the next time an open studio day rolls around. We got a bunch of old books and a Super Famicom, and we want to hear what's on your mind. All are welcome – except for Lena Dunham, who knows what she fucking did

It's easy to feel down on things these days, when you look at the pollution trying to pass itself off as culture. But the New York Times and the Disney Corporation are only as powerful as we allow them to be, and more and more people are waking up to their sneaky schemes. My dude the frenchman is done with "news," thank God, and once the baby boomers and the debt slaves really start dying out in the twin winters of old age and helpless suicide things'll clear up quick, like a cold that's overstayed its welcome. There's no need to fight them, really. They're dead already. 

The future doesn't belong to the machine-men and the sexless consumers. It doesn't belong to the taxpayers and the T.V. drones, the wastoid boomers or the products of university thought control, excitedly shrinking the locus of acceptable discourse with their arsenal of buzzwords and the "legitimacy" confered by their vanishing salaries.The future belongs, as it always has, to individuals of feeling, intelligence and imagination -- and post by post, they're claiming it, shaping the World That's Coming into something gaudy and lethal and hilarious; a canon of unlimited literature, flitting through radio waves and miles of concealed cable. It's time to Get Gay, and Dagger is going to Get Gayer than publication ever has before

On Fuck You and Die, before weird twitter drained it, they had a saying: "The essence of being gay is retarded, and being retarded is fucking cool."

If you grok that, drop us a line. We aim to shitpost as if shitposting could decide the fate of all mankind, because it will. 

With maximum love for all humanity,
aaaaa
Editor-In-Chief




Next IssueNOVELLAS! Coming around the holidays, our next digital issue will feature some brand-new, longform shit that's perfect for waiting out a stretch of fuck-you weather. We'll have a few surprises too, and an update on the second print issue... Follow us on YouTube and Twitter for updates.