|Letter From |
|“the update is late” is the optimal first line of any website i guess. i posted this to a message board in the summer of 2015: |
dentist paused, his muscles straining to maintain the necessary tension
of his six thousand dollar compound bow. The guides had been right – on
the other side of the tall grass the noble lion was feeding.
The dentist held his breath. His dick was like an
iron rod, and his arms were covered with pro-NRA tattoos and Nazi
iconography. He had two blue teardrops drawn at the wrinkled corner of
his left eye – one for each time he had voted against Barrack Obama.
“American Sniper deserved the Oscar,” he screamed, as he released the
arrow. Its illegal explosive tip did its work well: the lion exploded.
Hot animal parts rained from the African sky as the dentist fell to his
knees, cumming uncontrollably.
His guides, as noble and trustworthy as all sons of that wise
continent, began to fear for their lives and souls. “What have you
done?” they asked.
“I have become … God,” said the dentist.
A cold wind whipped in from the north, raveling in the gold grasses. Something rumbled in the sky.
“This is unnatural,” said one of the guides.
“Someone will stop you!” said the other.
The dentist, already boned up again, laughed his crooked laugh. “Who?
The internet? Ha! Who would dare to dogpile on me and call me a piece
of shit online and also put poster boards calling me an asshole all
over my dental practice? Only being called a motherfucker can stop me
now… but who would dare??”
He smirked. “Next time, I’ll hunt ever bigger game,” the dentist said.
By this time the sky was pitch black and ghosts were weeping as they
walked across the barren, lifeless earth. “I’m going to vote republican
again in 2016.”
“No!” said one of the guides. Even in Africa, the Republican party’s reputation is vile.
The dentist shoved a hand down his safari shorts and began honking his
weak, white male pud, further upsetting the ghosts.
In silent fear, the world stood waiting…. for heroes.
do you remember that stupid thing with the lion? anyway
been writing these kind of things since the early 2000s, and so have a
lot of other people. hakan did it. chris onstad got into it heavy, and
zach parsons made a whole career out of it before he weirdly pivoted
into non-fiction in an attempt to find a toehold in print publishing.
although this thing has had sixteen years of time to incubate, is has
so far failed to attract a widely-accepted name. the best way to put
it, I think, is that it’s
p o s t i n g
which makes perfect sense to me
are short; usually 300-500 words long. they are game-literature. in a
single post, various devices and techniques of literature are deployed
to pique to the reader’s interest and tease a larger theme, then
resolve themselves into an extremely blue punchline. Often, they are
topical, and concerned with either politics or the interpersonal drama
of message boards. if this isn’t the first native internet fiction form
it’s definitely one of the first and it’s a simple enough format to
invite participation from writers of every level of skill, which is
useful for the apprentices. this month’s issue, sword of trump, is a
novella written as the natural extension and conclusion of the form.
smegma_king is probably going to do it one better tomorrow. that’s how
posting, as a system, operates.
this novella is prefaced by a more typical “long” post, written weeks ago, called the Student of Kek. my hope is that newcomers will begin with this letter, read Student and then move on to Sword of Trump. taken together, they are meant to constitute a survey of the posting form.
first 2 parts are up today. parts 3 and 4 will be posted on the 18th
and 25th respectively. that’s every Sunday. which is actually, for a
bunch of dumb reasons, a better day to do these updates. so that's the
** update **
i blew all of those deadlines