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What I'm passionate about is story. I like a good story, well-told, and the foundation of that is vivid character. When I write a character, I want them to jump off the screen. I want to know who they are, what they want -- all of that -- almost instantly. The power of movies is you can give your audience that kind of quick inspiration in way that can be overpowering. Think about Raiders of the Lost Ark. There's that whipcrack, we pan around and there he is -- Indiana Jones, sweating, with the hat and everything. He's just there, instantly. To me, that's magic.

So it makes sense to me, on a certain level, that Hollywood is going after these proven properties, especially super-hero ones. Spider-Man had almost fifty years to build his brand before Toby Maguire played him, so when we all saw the red and blue suit -- don't lie -- we got excited. We felt that connection, because it's connection we already had. Look, American Ultra tanked, I get it, I live in the real world and I work in the real Hollywood. I once described Pepe Le Pew as a "hopelessly romantic, shockingly poetic, profoundly charming feminist icon.” The question is, absent superheroes, how we can go after properties which elicit the same kind of excitement. So, picture with me:

A long, school hallway. Not squeaky clean or anything; there's dumb tempera painted posters on the wall, stickers on the lockers. At the end of a hall there's a doorway, and the little slat windows in this doorway are just BRIGHT -- they shoot shafts of light onto the tile, very dramatic, but nostalgic too. If you went to public school you know this hallway, and you know this time of day. Then: BOOM! The door opens. Outside, it's light. Then a shadow starts to come at us, like Batman running against the bat signal in the trailer for Batman Forever. Is it a superhero? It looks like he's wearing a cape. Still, we don't see him, it's all in silhouette, but this guy is just running at us. As he gets closer we see more detail: he's white, crappy partial facial hair, sunglasses, backwards hat. He's dressed like Neo in The Matrix. And as he runs in, he runs UP the wall -- that's when we see he has a gun, a big, sexy Russian rifle. We're in slow motion. He fires once, then cut. That's your trailer. COLUMBINE 2.

The fan community for Columbine on tumblr is massive, there's academic studies of it and shit, and Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold have been cited by 17 other school shooters as a direct inspiration. Not only did these guys kill 12 shitty redneck Colorado high school students (I'd be happy if 90% of the country died tomorrow), they got other people to kill sixty-six more people and wound another forty-nine. This has the potential to be a more dedicated fan-base than Hunger Games.

Obviously, this is a sensitive subject. So, first thing: dedicate it to the families of Columbine victims, and donate a percentage of the proceeds to Bloomberg's gun control foundation. Good. Now we're moral. Then, we play it classy. This is a humorous exaggeration, and anyway, it's got a good message.

We open with kind of a tense scene in an elementary school. Kids are getting ready for class, smiling, walking through the door with their moms. The White Stripes play "we are gonna be friends," as we follow a little boy and a little girl walking to school together, and it's heartbreaking. Once again, if you went to public school (I didn't, I was raised at the Hollywood Rape Academy) you know this place. It's like baby pictures. But this is a Columbine movie, so we can build a little tension with the bells. First bell, kids start arriving at the school. Second bell, the parents leave. Third bell, the halls are empty -- just a few stragglers. All the time we know something bad is coming. And it is.

We're in class with the boy and the girl and she's done making moon-eyes at him. She's drawing and the boy's a little frustrated he can't get her attention. Shit is cute. We'll get some model kids out from New York to play them.

As we watch the boy, we barely notice that there's a pounding at the door and the teacher goes to answer it. This is all out-of-focus, in the background, because we're holding on this kid. Then BOOM! Someone fires a shotgun and the teacher flies backwards on wires, slamming into the chalkboard and breaking it. Blood or no blood, depending on whether you want to ride the Deadpool wave.

It's panic! The class is running around. The boy and the girl run together. It looks like body cam footage from one of those Discovery Channel shows like Naked And Afraid, with a little pinch of Cloverfield. They hide under a desk. The shooter pulls it up! They run. BOOM! A gunshot! Screaming, running, screaming, then -- BANG! another shot. BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG! The whole back wall of the classroom lights up, a fluorescent light shatters, bullets rip through the teacher's apple and A+ coffee mug and a chalkboard eraser, throwing dust. Use those super slow-mo cameras to catch the final blackboard (I assume they'll have a few) shattering. The shooter, who we now see clearing as a fat loser in a Make America Great Again hat, takes a lurching step forward and then collapses.

Music swell. The kids creep out from their hiding places and they see HIM, the man in black, an avenger in a floor-length trench-coat, his face hidden beneath a red-lensed gas-mask. The hero stands there panting in the carnage for a second, then sinks to his knees. The kids all crowd around and touch him -- trying to comfort him -- and to our surprise we hear him CRY. The man in black whips off his facemask, and we see him. It's Eric Harris.

Voice Over: "Times have changed."

Once again, I live in the real world, so I know we've got to think about franchise potential. In my version, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were recruited by a mysterious, highly funded secret organization called the Wit Men, men who have been recruited, since the 1960s, to kill super-criminals before they have a chance to commit crimes. They're lead by a CGI recreation of Rip Torn, Mr. Wit, and it makes us feel good because it's basically a combination of his roles from Men in Black and Beastmaster. Mr. Wit can see the future, and so he makes out the assignments. He recruits special operatives to perform his shootings, then secrets them away for future contracts. Harris and Klebold didn't die; they've been working behind the scenes for years.

But now, after they started hitting elementary schools, Harris is having second thoughts. From there, we see him start to question Mr. Wit, working to bring down the organization from the inside. At first Klebold stays loyal, and between acts one and two they have a huge, knock-down, drag-out brawl with guns and katana blades and spears and trucks and basically EVERYTHING -- take that Zach Snyder -- but in act three, Klebold comes around because he remembers their friendship. "We were always too godly for this crew anyway," he says. Then they have a gigantic CGI showdown with Rip Torn while falling off of the tallest building in the world, which I think is a glass dildo in Dubai

We can have an international cast as the shooters and cast a Chinese actress as Harris' on-again, off-again girlfriend, an anti-gun activist who wants to bring Chinese-style gun control to the United States. In the end, Harris dies, but they beat Mr. Wit, and the after-credit sting is that Klebold has started an army of trenchcoat clad school shooters dedicated to bringing down gun culture in the U.S.A. once and for all. In the sequel they fight the N.R.A..

Anyway, that's the proposal. Hit up my agent, or hit me up on Twitter, if you're interested. Please like me. Please follow me.

Please, please, please
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