year 7000 a dog, dying slowly from heat exhaustion, stares at the
blank white sky through an immaculate windshield. He can see the
swirling eternities bounce like bitches in the all-consuming eye. The
moment he was adopted from a shelter on the verge of collapse by a
brutally abusive family, through that family's dissolution and his
rescue at the hands of a suburban 8 year old dressed as a dinosaur,
and further, living the rest of his days knowing that he would
outlive the only person he cared enough about to swear his life to --
this small thread of time, of life, disappeared into an immeasurably
massive mess of similar threads. It lost all significance in that
profound view, until, when the pattern was revealed, that thread too
was revealed to consume and coincide with all the others. His small
life was not important, in any sense of the word, but it was woven
irreplaceably into the tapestry of the universe. Not like a thread,
but like DNA. He saw his pups, still young, replicating the line with
little variation, and their pups, and theirs. He died in that
minivan, waiting for Desiree to finish eating her meatballs in South
Dakota's second least successful IKEA.
In the year 29694 a
honeybee, having miraculously survived years of stasis in a block of
amber, is revived by a Federation archaeologist. With no knowledge of
the planet Earth, the English language, or any kind of insect, the
archaeologist first tried to determine whether the creature was
naturally occurring or constructed by a superior race. In his
language, he nicknamed it "The Suicide-flying Softness Hard,"
after it stung his glove, killing itself in the process. For a
space-faring civilization, the goal to catalog all the kinds of life
in the universe is thankless and eternal. Extinctions are such a fact
of life that more than 99.99% of known species have gone extinct.
Still, he sets off for the next planet. There is always more life out
there, more to discover, to learn from, to admire and to destroy. He
autopsies the honeybee, writes full notes of all of his findings, and
drops it into a shot glass. He pours a sci-fi sounding liquor over it
and slams the shot.
In the year 2017 a man tries to argue
that men shouldn't be allowed to put on dresses and walk into the
women's restroom. He has a daughter, and he's afraid his daughter
will see the man's penis. She's too young to see a penis. And
cross-dressers are weird, even if they have some sort of like problem
or something. He's a Christian, meaning he believes that there is a
humanoid God perfectly described by the only parts of his bible he
knows about. Weird parts of the bible don't matter, nor do any of his
actions. He believes that people should only be punished for the
choices they make, and never arbitrarily based on any other factors,
but also believes that all choices are illusions caused by our
incomplete perception of God's divine plan. He doesn't believe in the
devil, or in hell. When he was 9 years old he let his Aunt shove a
Hershey's kiss up his ass. It would've been okay, but it was one of
the almond ones. He hasn't reconciled his hatred for her with his
faith, and never will. Still, he knows the truth: traps are gay
In between these isolated, goofy, almost retarded
moments are literally infinite others. Portraits of infinite beings,
doing infinite things, and they're all fucking dumb. Even if God
exists who fucking cares? What good is a revelation that only comes
at the last light of your waking life? Does the Federation only
employ leagues of archaeologists across the expanding universe to
create jobs to continue balancing their fundamentally broken books?
you've experienced, everything you can imagine experiencing,
everything you can imagine being unable to experience, the mangled
limits of your infinite conception, bring all these threads together
and what do they form? What can we see in the final summation? as a
writer I literally have no point of reference, know of nothing I can
describe that will convey to you the utter stupidity of the image.
It's so much worse than dickbutt. So much worse than a pig shitting
on his giant balls.
fucking retarded dude.