Esoteric Copypastas

[RedRanger]

For only the most brilliant pieces of insight and humor you come across on your travels across the World Wide Web. The ones that deserve to be immortalized here, be they by your own hand or by the amorphous entity known only as "anon".

I'll start (Not my work) with one I found just recently.

[With regards to Sneedfags and Sneed as a whole]

Is this really an allegory for white nationalism? The message seems so clear now, but I’ll break it down for you guys. You see, when Sneed is selling his seed and feed, is it really the products of livestock feed and crop seeds that he is selling, or is he selling the IDEA of feed and seed, or to put it more plainly, of feedING and seedING? In this second interpretation, the famous duo of seed and feed are being interpreted as an action rather than a product. You see, this action of feeding and seeding can be directly linked to something all white men strive to feed and seed, that being white women. A key facet of white nationalism is that of FEEDING aka providing for your women, so that she may allow you to SEED her and raise her children who you will in turn FEED, and later be FED by(though hopefully you will be neither be seeding or being seeded by your children, cause that would be weird haha ew gross haha). It’s quite clever by the simpsons writer when you really break it down like this, and even more clever when you consider chuck, who’s is the former. Chuck used to just suck and fuck, living his life in the moment and for no purpose. But through pride in his own race he evolved to become SNEED and FEED and SEED white women rather than be sucked and fucked by mutts. Thoughts? I personally think SNEED is super incredibly BASED through this logical interpretation and we should all strive to FEED and SEED our own women.

[GenerallyKilling]

in a pvp-oriented MOO (mud object-oriented), players could take a headbutt ability that was briefly so fast it had zero delay between the input of the command and potentially 1hkoing a weakling without the brawn or armor to stop your incredible steel forehead from turning their face into goop

headbutt. headbutt. headbutt. headbutt is the fastest, it is faster than anything. it is faster than light, it is more than we can comprehend. it is a beam of pure thought directed from my forehead into yours at a billion miles a second.

i headbutted someone today and when the smoke cleared we were both 10 years younger. he tried to feint me but before his brain could even send the impulse to the nerves in his body, telling him to point over my shoulder, i had headbutted him twice. sometimes i do it so quickly i don't even know it happened, i am just instantly surrounded by mountains of bodies, heads crushed like old fruit and cocoons undeployed.

i have tested this, i have tested it in my cum fort. it is hopeless. i send this message from the distant future, headbutts have trapped me in a time and space i do not recognize. send help. headbutt a trauma kit and it may end up near my epoch.

[ForeverWar]

too lazy to re-type

[RedRanger]

Found another one about the Star Wars board room scene described in perfect detail

I'll add the board room scene to the OT gems:

Here you see multiple factions vying for power: The Death Star fanboys, the ArmyNavy, Tarkin, and Vader.

The ArmyNavy officers, represented by Tagge, are nervous that their significance in the Empire will wane with the Death Star's public reveal. They're making a stink about the stolen data tapes because they want to delay the station's activation.

The Death Star supporters, represented by Adm. Motti, see that their chance to be the biggest swinging dick in the galaxy and are eager to get on with it.

In walks Tarkin and Vader.

Tarkin announces the dissolution of the Senate, stating fear of the Death Star will maintain order. While saying this, he looks at Motti, who smirks, thinking he's getting commended for being a loyal DS fanboy. So Motti gets a big head and boasts about the station's invulnerability. While saying this, he smirks back at Tarkin, he's playing it up, reaffirming his loyalty.

Vader admonishes Motti, pointing out that The Force is more powerful than the technological terror of the Death Star. It's important to remember that Vader, while technically under Tarkin's command, was placed on the station to be the Emperor's commisar and ensure nobody gets any bright ideas about using the superweapon to stage a coup. His statement is an open threat to everybody in the room

Motti doesnt take the hint. He thinks the Station makes his faction top dog and believes he has Tarkin's backing because of those aforementioned smirks. He never explicitly doubts that the Force or the Jedi are real, just that, like the Imperial Navy, their time has come and gone. So Vader chokes him.

Everyone gets the point

That whole scene of bickering officers scheming for power in a polished board room is meant to contrast with the dusty, ragtag Rebel Alliance, which is always depicted as unified and focused in their goals. It is extremely subtle and well executed.

You will never see its like again in Nu-Wars.

[peng]

i keep a collection of legendary posts on my phones notebook app

Imagine being in a barren wasteland with nothing to eat. Suddenly, you see a huge chocolate cake, around 7 feet tall, all decorated like a wedding cake. As you approach it, you realize that it is made entirely out of shit, save for one glistening red cherry on the very top. Determined to taste the juicy cherry, you decide to climb atop the shitty cake heap and take it, however right before you reach out for it, something happens: a horse suspended in the air by ropes tied to a helicopter slowly descends above the shitcake. Using his clenching asshole, the horse grabs the cherry while mocking you, laughing and neighing with a toothy grin, then slowly drifts away with the helicopter, flying on a low altitude. Determined to take the cherry back, you chase after the horse, grabbing it by its hind legs. With nothing else to grab your precious reward with, you pull up with all your strength, you reach over with your mouth and try to bite it off the horse's ass. As you touch it with your teeth, the horse dumps an entire week's load of nasty, acidic crap on your face, causing you to fall. "At least I got the cherry" you think as you bite down, covered in smelly feces, only to find out that the cherry was made out of plastic, as you fall and break not only all your bones, but also your back teeth. This is what getting back to WoW nowadays feels like.

i’ve got 3 terabytes of 60’s pre-ambient. 800 gigs of live recordings of this local band called the fuckerfucks. They played only 2 shows before breaking up but I had 11 redundant recording rigs all recording flac which I then layered over one another for 25,000 kbps bitrate. 8 terabytes of the beatles. No not THOSE beatles, the new beatles. They haven’t recorded an album yet and technically they’re not really a band yet but they’re indie-gospel-post-funk-punk style is going to be huge when you guys hear their stuff in about 5 years. 4 petabytes of the Ethiopian Free Jazz wave that occurred in 1973 in a town called Wenji Gefersi. 18 terabytes of sound check recordings from the mid 90’s band LFO. They only scored a hit with “I like girls (who wear abercrombie and fitch)” but they were way ahead of their time. That’s just my C: drive. I have 41 drives.

Gandalf drew the ring from the fireplace and held it out to Frodo. "hold out your hand frodo, it's quite cool". The ring dropped onto frodos hands and frodo became a hurricane of shrieks, swears, and hand flickering as he ran to wash it. Gandalf bent down to closely observe the ring and found no markings. He started laughing and crying in joy while Frodo nursed his hand. The wizard stepped outside, saying to himself "isn't it a beautiful day" and then walked off. Frodo never spoke to him again.

A reactionary, counterrevolutionary Vendean and Aristocrat was teaching a class on Joseph de Maistre, known ultramontane.

"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Christ the King and accept that absolute monarchs ruling by divine grace are the only righteous form of government, even greater than republicanism!"

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, Grande Armee soldier who had fought over six coalitions and understood the necessity of revolutionary terror and fully supported the merciless execution of nobles and priests stood up and held up a copy of the Constitution of the Year I.

"Where is sovereignty vested, Citizen?"

The Aristocrat smirked quite Bourbonishly and smugly replied "in the throne, you stupid jacobin"

"Wrong. Under the Republic, and then our fairly appointed Emperor Napoleon who rules by the will of the people, France has reached untold greatness and made herself the premier power in all of Europe. If, as you say, executive power rightly belonged to the royal family, then Louis XVIII should have been restored to his throne by now." 

The Nobleman was visibly shaken, and dropped his fleur de lis and copy of Memoirs Illustrating the History of Jacobinism. He stormed out of the room crying those false royalist tears. The same tears royalists cry for the Dauphin (who was imprisoned in such luxury that it took him two years to die). 

The students applauded, joined the Jacobin Club that day and accepted Napoleon as l'Empereur. A revolutionary named Marat stumbled into the room and collapsed atop the arc de triomphe and bled on the Declaration of the Rights of Man. La Marseillaise was sung several times, and Robespierre himself showed up and enacted universal male suffrage.

The aristocrat was proscribed and hauled to the revolutionary tribunal the next day. He was guillotined and nothin happened after that because the afterlife is a myth created by the Church to keep free men and women under the despotism of the king.

The engineer is immunized against all dangers. One may call him a wastrel, a deadweight, a fraud, a waste of the salary budget, it all runs off him like water off a raincoat...
But call him a fucking idiot and you will be astonished at how he recoils, how injured he is, how he suddenly shrinks back: 'I've been found out.

Hurr, Cringe! Durr, Cringe! Cringe!"

Is that all you shitposting fucks can say?!

"ugh, based based based cringe cringe cringe based based cringe cringe"

I feel like I'm in a fucking asylum full of dementering old people, that can do nothing but repeat the same fucking words and look like a fucking broken record!

"Cringe cringe cringe cringe! cringe based based! onions onions onions! onions LOL onions! Cringe boomer Le zoomer! I am boomer?! No zoom zoom zoomies, zoomer going zoomies!"

AGH I FUCKING HATE THE INTERNET SO GOD DAMN MUCH!! FUCK SHITPOSTING HONEST GOD-FUCKING I HOPE YOUR MOTHER CHOKES ON HER OWN FECES IN HELL! YOU COCKSUCKER!

OH BUT I KNOW MY POST IS CRINGED ISN'T IT? CRINGE CRINGE CRINGEY-CRINGE BASED CRINGE REDDIT CRINGE BASED REDDIT ONIONS BASED ONIONS CRINGE REDDIT CRINGE

[Georg W.B.L.M.H.]

One that is not very esoteric, but never fails to bring joy to my heart. A frequently reproduced copypasta from /tg/.

Teehee Maccaroni is the bane of my fucking existence.

Every fucking campaign that my GM runs inevitably at some point involves running into an NPC named "Teehee Maccaroni," who the GM affectionately describes as "an epic level sorcerer who's also a retarded nudist gnome."

Teehee Maccaroni wander the countryside with a unique Rod of Wonders powered by "retard magic" shoved up his anus, and he casts the Rod of Wonders by diddling his penis. He says nothing but his own name in different inflections and the phrase "I like-a the goodberry, gimme gimme the goodberry." The GM thinks it's hilarious to have this character show up during the middle of encounters we're struggling at and start jerking off magic everywhere.

But the worst part is his chant. He wanders around chanting his name, so when he's about to show up the GM will start low;
Tee-hee-hee, Maccaroni Maccaroni
Tee-hee-hee, Maccaroni Maccaroni
And then get louder and louder until he's fucking shouting
TEE HEE HEE, MACCARONI MACCARONI!
TEE HEE HEE, MACCARONI MACCARONI!

And the table loves it! The other guys I play with think this is the best shit! Teehee Maccaroni has been our table's de-facto inside joke, our signature "running gag" for six years now. When that chant starts up, everyone else joins in like a ritual; the whole table is expected to start chanting "TEE HEE HEE, MACCARONI MACCARONI" by the end, and every fucking time I refuse because this is some embarrassing circa-2002 Penguin of Doom shit, it's always the same thing; "There goes user again! No fun allowed around user! user's just a big grouch who's getting angry because we're making him touch Teehee Maccaroni's penis again! Why won't you just let us have fun with this character, he's just here for dumb fun, you stick-in-the mud!"

These motherfuckers are all over 25 years old.

Teehee Maccaroni is going to be the death of me.

[RedRanger]

An [s4s] song as sang by anon

To you, coming from me,
Fren is a four letter word.
[Hide] is the only part of my thread
That you read
Call me tranny or n-word.
But to you, coming from me,
Fren is a four letter word.

To you, coming from me,
Fren is a four letter word.
[Hide] is the only part of my thread
That you read
Call me tranny or n-word.
But to you, coming from me,
Fren is a four letter word.

When I go posting on this board
I am hoping you would say to me,
I'm really only joking
When the comment I'll be posting
Might betray the way you feel about me.

But to you, coming from me,
Fren is a four letter word.